To be soul-winged also means to be authentic. To be authentic means to be vulnerable. I show myself very vulnerable here by telling you my personal story.
For most of my life, I have had the attitude that life is a struggle. A fight, that i somehow have to endure to the final round . My aim was not to live, but to survive. That doesn't mean I never had fun. But most of the time it was just exhausting. I was barely really relaxed. Especially not in the presence of others. childhood I have memories of my childhood that I loved to laugh and sometimes couldn't stop, that I was pretty wild and liked to run around, that I enjoyed climbing trees and jumping over streams ... And I remember getting in trouble a lot for all of this.
youth As a teenager, I often felt the need to break out. I found the limits that were set for me to be very narrow. I felt like I had to fight with my parents for every little bit of joy and freedom. I was full of mixed emotions but found very few ways to express them. In addition, I always felt an insane pressure not to show any vulnerability and to be as perfect as possible . I didn't want to attract any negative attention and at the same time longed to belong. “Just being me” was not enough. I´ve rarely been just relaxed. Especially not at school. Even with my first boyfriend I often tried to please him rather than just being authentic and in the moment with him. With other friends I always felt like an outsider ... So certain behavior patterns and the suppression of some parts of me became "normal", but exhausting. Until a few years ago, my life was always very busy with doing everything right, with being good enough or improving, not disturbing anyone and adapting. And with not showing anyone what is really going on inside of me. I kept my longings and desires, my fears and my pain, but also my joy under control .
family All of these things played a big role in my family too. My parents both died trying to meet these requirements. My mother died of cancer in 1997 when I was only 20 years old. She had been suffering from depression. She was stuck in the very unhealthy relationship with my father and plagued with migraines and other physical symptoms for years. I believe death was her only way out of the prison of her life. Even if it was difficult for her to leave (I was there at the moment of her death and could see and feel the last fight). After her death, I felt quite lost. I had lost the stability and safety of my mother's upbringing and couldn't deal with my new "freedom" at all. On the one hand, I clung to the values that she had conveyed to me, and at the same time, I constantly broke them. My father was an alcoholic and tried really hard to get away from the addiction. More out of fear of losing my mother and me than for himself though. He never made it and finally died in 2010 from the effects of his addiction. I hope i was able to transmit that it's okay and that I love him for who he is in the end. My grandparents also passed away between 1997 and 2010. Freedom means taking responsibility for ourselves and knowing what we want. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to feel what I want and what is good for me- I was overwhelmed.
repression When I was overwhelmed, I worked an incredible amount and took refuge in dancing. I was looking for an anchor in my life. I loved and lost love. I was looking for being loved and often hurt myself in the process ... And above all, I have done a lot to not to feel my grief, to hide my helplessness and to pretend that everything is under control . I've never been in therapy, although it probably would have been a good idea. I always thought I was strong enough to do this on my own. The three Fs (Freeze, Flight and Fight) were my survival mechanisms. It was normal to work long hours, to feel stressed, to always have drama going on somewhere, to scream in arguments, to have no time, to be in physical pain ... I suppressed and numbed myslef so much that I forgot who I am. Or maybe I never knew?
change After my father died, it took me a while to realize: I was no longer responsible or take care for anyone else than myself. But I didn't even know how, because I wasn't really connected to myself. I realized that it was all about functioning in my life. But I want more! I had no idea what that would look like, but I knew I had to radically change something! That's how I started traveling. Different cultures. New landscapes. Mighty, lush, amazing nature. I rediscovered the world: strangers who welcomed me with so much love, even though I had not yet "proven" anything. I felt free and more connected when traveling than at home. I even decided to quit my regular jobs, to sell half of my belongings, to move from a 60m2 apartment to a 30m2 apartment, and to travel for about 6 months each year. While moving through the world, there was also a lot moving inside of me. And I learned sooo much!
turning point One day, during one of my trips, a door opened and I went through without knowing what was on the other side: I attended an ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) training without even the slightest idea what to expect. Nevertheless, my whole being felt drawn there. It was the beginning of a deep transformation and the journey back to myself, back to my soul. Since then, I have been continiously on the inner journey: I´m getting to know myself better and better and find deeper connections to everything that happens within me. I listen, I observe and ask questions ... Today I know that the main purpose of life is to live and enjoy it. Not fight, but enjoyment - that is life!
transformation To be honest, this journey has not always been easy and still carries a lot of challenges. Transformation means facing EVERYTHING. All that is suppressed, pushed away, and not lived ... All the pain, anger and sadness ... I FINALLY went through all of that and am still going through layer after layer, whenever something arises. It´s an ongoing and beautiful journey. If you've only stored your rubbish and old stuff in the basement of your house and then, after years, go downstairs to finally clean up, you´ll not only be greeted by unicorns and rainbows. But after cleaning up for a while, the colors will slowly flash through the dust and I noticed that a lot more relaxation and space was created inside of me.
resistance I have done a few trainings and workshops that have given me enormous support at “cleaning up the basement” and although I knew deep down that it was the right way, I often faced enormous resistance. And that started with very random things, such as “spiritual and esoteric language”. Sometimes that was too out of this world for me. And the thing about shamanism - should I really believe it or is it just hocus-pocus? Sometimes I wondered if I ended up in a cult. I was very critical! And I permanently felt triggered, because almost everything I experienced did not match the rules and beliefsystems that had previously determined my life. In the midst of this inner confusion, there was always the moment when I realized, that I was accepted even with my resistance and received with so much openness and love that I couldn't help but trust. Actually, it was mainly about trusting myself: by letting go of old patterns, which only gave me an illusion of security, I had the chance to discover trust in myself. With carrying this trust inside, I´m running over and over again towards the cliff and jump…. And fly ...